Two beloved sisters have shared that set of verses with me this past week and as things have gone this week, it's proved more and more true, helpful and prophetic in relation to recent events. Over the past couple of weeks, I've been wrestling my own heart in relating to my host family with whom I live and interact daily. I've found that expectations about something that do not come from an expectation to see God move prove futile and wrong, and so were my expectations about Latin America. Or perhaps not.
To help you understand, moving from one culture to another, there are general atmospheric tendencies that hang over a culture and drive many aspects of the people as a whole, and to some extent that filters down to daily decisions and attitude of the Tico in his or her workplace, marketplace, church, social gathering, or in their home. Some of that general culture certainly filters down to this microscopic level into how each individual acts and reacts in his or her surroundings. But there are numbers of different sub-cultural layers such as the community, the neighborhood, the school environment, church or social scene, and even the home that factor into how each person behaves in the context of his or her cultures. Although I came in with a pretty good idea of Latin American culture, what my expectations didn't consider is how each family and each person can be radically different, and even "counter-cultural" (remember that phrase from when you were a teenager?) almost to the point that the overall, general atmosphere that is the Latin Culture may not even apply in so many situations. In addition to this, my idea of Latin Culture, although it was a good one of the general population, wasn't complete by any means, which is how things go when entering a cultural group completely new to you.
So, interacting with my host family has been a great trial for me as I am navigating the difference in expectations between a family in rural Evangelical Costa and a young man molded within kind of a 'remnant' of Jesus lovers in a largely post-evangelical American generation. The social culture, both Christian and social culture, in many ways is a latin version of 1950's rural America. Small town, everyone knows eachother, everyone goes to the same high school, guys and girls don't really interact in non-romantic settings, interstate highways, supermarkets, technology, pesticides and cheap mass produced food are largely a thing of the future. And the kids stay in town. Small detail it may seem, but a gigantic one when it comes to expectations that I have of my host family and those of my host family to me. The kids being in town, it makes more economical sense to live at home, share rent and resources, and be together with family. When the children stay in the house until they have a family of their own, the transition a son or daughter makes from receiving responsibility and discipline primarily from the instruction of his or her parents to taking on his or own personal responsibility and discipline is much longer and drawn out than what we experience in the States - mom and dad are always there, and you're in their house, so their authority stays. In the States, we leave home for college at 18, which they think is strange, and largely undesirable, where you can almost draw a line at a date of when we transition from being under the rule of our parents and when we make our own decisions. Can you see where "honoring your parents" looks vastly different between me, and MaryFernanda, my fellow 23 year old host sibling?
Even as I'm writing this, it hurts because this has been a growing seed of tension between my host family and I that has begun to recently open up and cause wounds as we start trying to resolve the differences in these expectations. Even though I gladly honor their house and their house rules, my host family and I must come to an agreement on who has authority over my life, and how far that authority extends into my life as a young American adult. And how I navigate and deal with my hurts from the situation is a direct reflection of my relationship to God. Over the past week, I've gone from hurt, to angst, to sheer anger at my host family, disappointment, resentment, bitterness, grumbling, almost the whole range of emotions associated with dispair in a relationship both with my host family and with myself, and God so gently reminded me recently that the reasons I am feeling this way in response to things going on with my host family is because I don't feel taken care of by God. But he is still, always right there.
I was reminded of how we did accountability in the Prayer Group last fall and that was never to try to get jumbled up into the fuzziness of the conflict, but to orient our hearts before God so that we are finding all our satisfaction, protection, care, fulfillment, provision, and justification from God the Father. As I'm re-thinking that long list of emotions I mentioned above, those emotions are not mere results of an external conflict between two people - they are symptoms of an internal straying from the provision of the Father, and expecting that provision to come from humans, which will always disappoint, and whom we will always disappoint. Consider the times when you get so frustrated or angry with someone for things that at other times you're able to handle them with grace, or your un-righteous reaction with clear discernment. The difference is where your satisfaction derives its source, and how you interact with God. Each one of my emotional reactions is a direct manifestation of where my relationship with God is right or lacking. If I am finding my security, provision and love primarily from my host family, it becomes a need and when it is a need I cannot fully delight in their love, nor can I accept it or appreciate it if it isnt' what I am used to or like. If I depend wholly on God for my security, love, and provision, then that opens my heart up to receive the love of others not out of selfish necessity, but out of unconditional love, and it opens me up to love them rightly. I am so thankful to God and his training me last fall amongst such loving brothers and sisters who live by God's love so wholly that they love others out of its overflow. I was surrounded and immersed in that and I bless God for teaching me that last fall, but as of recent, that's been put to the test as conflict comes and wounds get opened, and I let that vision of God as my provider slide away. Thats when the Father so lovingly breathed that truth back into me yesterday after I had already vented my frustrations. And I can tell you that it's been a supernatural turnaround from such the bitter string of emotions I described earlier to peace knowing that God amazingly despite my shortcomings is pleased with me, and will hear my case and make things right. And that's all the peace I need when I face conflicts with my brothers and sisters in this house.
I know it's been a whole month and it seems like things are going terrible, but I guarantee that although my struggles recently have taken front attention to my joys, they are things that God wants to deal wih and heal my heart on. And I promise He is working, and I can so confidently say that now that He has turned my bitterness into joy over these conflicts. Not that they're no longer hard, but I know now with so much more certainty that God hears me and will defend me against this bitterness and sourness toward those I love.
But tonight, I'm going to see a guy named Jesus Adrian Romero in the National Stadium, which was donated completely by China. Interesting useless fact there. I've never knowingly listened to him or his music, but apparantly His stuff gets around to churches and college worship sessions like Chris Tomlin's music gets around American Christianity, so we'll see what all of his I've heard.
I would envy your petitions to God that He would continue in the stuff He's done more recently and that He would continue to grow me in the strength and power of His love and His Spirit.
God bless,
Brad
p.s. Yep, I've definitely heard this one
Although my eyes can't see you
I can feel you, you are here
although my hands can't touch your face Lord,
I know you're here
My heart can feel your presence
You are here, you are here
I can feel your majesty,
You are here, you are here
I can feel your great love,
You are here, you are here
Although My eyes can't see you
I can feel you, I know you are here
Although my hands can't touch your face,
I know you're here
Mi heart can feel your presence
You are here, you are here
I can feel your majesty
You are here, you are here
My heart can view your beauty
You are here, you are here
I can feel your great love,
You are here, you are here
You are here
